This Morning I Woke Up As Andy Rooney! Damn It All
1. I am sick and tired of sexual orientation being the first thing I know about a person. “Hi. I’m Bobbi Jo and I am a two-spirit person but not transsexual although a bit of crossdressing is a real turn on.” Honest to God, I don’t care.
2. I don’t care about the size of a Kardashian’s butt, either.
3. I hate opening the patio door and bellowing HERE LIZZY when that dog has been dead for more than a decade. More and more I rummage around in this grab bag of a brain and come up with the wrong word altogether. Not to mention how it confuses Dotty.
4. It is stupid to put my dinner napkin on my lap where no part of my dinner ever lands. Much like the trajectory of the Kennedy magic bullet, a spill would have to head outward before curving down around my chest, then veer inward to wedge itself between the table top and the muffin top before free falling to the thighs. I will keep the napkin on the table, where it is speedier to reach, and fuck you very much, Miss Manners.
5. No matter how much I spend on serum, gel, cream, and lotion in order to restore, smooth, brighten, firm, tone and lift all the lines, circles, puffiness, and wrinkles away, I still look older than I used to.
I suggest you all cut a wide path around me today. The irritant list can only grow. In fact, add a few of your own if you care to.