Dec 29 2015

ODDS AND ENDS

Overheard while in line at McDonald’s: Customer:    And I’d like fries with that. Employee:   What size fries? Customer:    Um, I guess about four or five inches.   To marketers sending me emails with subject lines like “You brake walls with your boner” or “Take love gun out n shoot” or “Forge huge love sword” be advised: I …

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Dec 24 2015

IDIOT PLOT

I like paper books. But I also like ebooks. They each have their place. An ebook weighs less, has variable type size, is backlit. You can store hundreds of them in a space no bigger than a piece of toast. But I have just discovered one thing that ebooks really suck at. You can’t wing them off …

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Dec 18 2015

SOCK IT TO ME

It’s something that happens to you with age, like fallen arches or colonoscopies. You no longer seek anyone else’s approval in what you wear. Fuck Fashion becomes your motto. Maybe it’s getting back in touch with your inner child who is a damn sight more fun than you’ve been for decades. For me, the big …

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Dec 09 2015

THE MYSTERIOUS BRAIN

I believe in Multiple Personality Disorder. For a lot of people, this is akin to believing in the Tooth Fairy or deer with red noses. To make it more palatable, the behavior was renamed a while back to Associative Identity Disorder. Not that that helps things much. Believers by and large stay deep in the closet on …

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Dec 03 2015

FALL ON YOUR KNEES

It’s a custom: I fall once a year. It’s still coming for 2015, and time is getting short. It will be caused by a stair that is too high or a somersault on ice or a drunken lurch through the nearest casino. The older I get, the more I dread it. Much like farting or …

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Dec 01 2015

IT’S SICK-OF-SALES TUESDAY!

Up to here with Cyber-this and Black-that? Then sit back and read. Bear Claus is free today and tomorrow here … it won’t make your feet sore or your blood pressure soar. It’s just a holiday smile to you from me.

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Nov 25 2015

UNWANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

It was late in the nineteenth century. No woman or child was allowed on that godforsaken rock. Or maybe no woman or child was fool enough to go. But give a certain kind of man a chance to be a jackass, and he is bound to try. The Oregon coast south of the Columbia was …

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Nov 19 2015

HAPPY BEWITCHING BUNNY DAY

Remember when Halloween was out there all on its own, a long time before the rest of the year end festivities? You made a costume out of three paper plates and called yourself Speedy Alka-Seltzer. Done. Total cost three cents. One of my first clients was Leewards. It was a chain of craft stores gobbled …

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Nov 11 2015

BECOMING AN UNMARRIED WOMAN

Whether widowed or divorced, it takes time to become single again. It was several years after the Mister died before I – not unlike Punxsutawney Phil – stuck my head out to look around at how much dark weather was still ahead. I learned a fair amount about grieving in those years. We had done …

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Nov 08 2015

OH CRAP

My cheeks are as red as a giant bowl of juicy pomodoro sauce. I am totally embarrassed by the amount of bullshit you subscribers have taken from me in the past couple weeks. Apparently, I’ve been sending out book excerpts in random sequences. This is not a marketing trick. Not that I’m above that, but this …

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