GRANDPA SEES A SHOW

Hollywood thinks old folks don’t like movies, but when they mistakenly release a film with an actual plotline, geezers go in slow-moving, mobility equipment-enhanced droves. Youngsters are advised to keep away from us. But if you find yourselves surrounded by movie fans past their sell-by dates, here are six things to know:

• Old people take along earplugs so our heads won’t explode during the previews. We forget to take them out when the featured attraction begins. So when we lean over to whisper to our movie buddies, it is voce forte. Don’t sit near us.
• If you somehow ignored the first hint, particularly don’t sit behind an old couple. One or the other is hearing or visually impaired. The other will explain every scene, again voce forte.
•  We were raised eating in theatres and throwing the trash on the floor. I don’t know why; we used to throw trash out car windows, too. Anyway, our favorite foodstuffs involve a great deal of crinkly unwrapping which takes a long time because of the arthritis in our hands. Chances are we don’t hear it. But you will.
• We go to matinees. Yes, they’re cheaper. But they’re also early enough for us to stay awake. Theatres should pass out cpap machines for evening performances. But they don’t. So snoring is not an usual interruption during those tense creepy scenes.
• If you need to go to the restroom during the show, it won’t be fast. The line of seniors ahead of you will be long. Many of us can’t even make it through the previews without our first trip. If you are lucky, we will keep following the exhausting routine throughout the show. If you are unlucky, you may be near someone who just pees in the theatre seat.
• If a movie is good, old people applaud. I don’t get that, either. It’s not like Tom Hanks or Matt Damon knows.  I think it may be giving thanks not for the movie but for the fact that we’ve lived all the way through it to the end.