Jan 13 2017

From the Back Nine: ‘Tis the season | Sequim Gazette

Wednesday December 7th, 2016 | LIFE

At this time of year you find many handy tips and happy how-tos for holiday decor and gift giving. The following list is one compiled by someone who no longer feels the need to be a right jolly old elf.

After many decades of experience with Christmas, here are some good practical observations and priceless advice from the back nine of life.


  1. No matter what you are told, nobody wants to receive six geese a-laying.


  1. Chipmunks do not form trios and sing to you. If you are past your middle school years and still believe this, you may want to seek professional help. I’m not sure from whom.


  1. If your dog refuses to wear the Santa hat or jingle bells, remind Muttsy how much you are spending on non-China kibble throughout the year and suggest he/she better watch his/her step. The same goes for cats, but cats won’t care so don’t waste your breath.


  1. Nobody in my family could cook their way out of a giblet bag, so I have very few must-make traditional recipes. Before you tsk tsk, here are a couple of examples that make my case:


  • Aunt Beth’s recipe for figgy pudding: Get some figs. Pound them into pudding.


  • Cousin Earl’s recipe for a holiday nightcap: Get some rum. Add one 12-ounce can of whole, unsalted pum-pum-pums. Serves eight per pum.


  1. If you insist on jamming holiday gifts and foodstuffs into your stockings, they’ll never really fit right again. You’ve been warned.


  1. If Jack Frost nips your nose too often, you might point out that it’s considered assault in the state of Washington.


  1. In days of yore, my family grabbed deer and rubbed their noses vigorously until they glowed bright red. On Christmas Eve, we lifted eight of them onto roofs. We stopped doing this when we realized not all deer actually enjoy reindeer games.


  1. Because this year has been so, ah, fractious, there will be a continuation of protests. I can think of at least three that are likely to interfere with your holiday enjoyment and may even carry into the new year:


  • A small but vocal group will stand up and declare they actually like fruitcake.


  • Concerned parents will protest Santa’s overweight condition, demanding he be grounded until he shapes up to provide a better example to children.


  • The greeting card industry will lobby for a 13-month year when they discover there is no room on the existing calendar for any more holidays.


That’s the holiday wrap up from the back nine. Here’s to a safe and joyous season for one and all.


Linda B. Myers is a Port Angeles writer and author. As a gift to ebook readers, her holiday mystery “Bear Claus” is free until Dec. 9 on Amazon.com at http://amzn.to/2fLN3ps. Contact her at myerslindab@gmail.com or Facebook.com/lindabmyers.author
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